I am mistress material.
I don't need or want a man full-time but to be craved, adored, loved and pampered every so often, while still maintaining control of my life, that is sweet.
I don't know what brackets would have to be around this - how to cover the guilt aspect - the "other" woman - details.
I think I'd be good at this.
hmmm
Friday, June 25, 2010
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Can dreams come true - and can I stop feeling guilty about that?
I've done it - I've sold my house, emancipated my ex from Child support and have bought my dream house - all 428 square feet of it - a floating house in Victoria...It's ideal - it's small - it feels like my cottage - and is therefore nicknamed The Boat House.
The community is delightful - likeminded, same-aged women and men - eager to help but sensitive enough to allow privacy - I'm at home already.
It is oddly liberating to rid myself of accumulated stuff - and there's lots of it - some to a daughter making her first home, some to another daughter who will inheirit hosting the special holiday celebrations along with the large dining table and chairs, and some to the less fortunate - who will be warmly and well dressed this winter. We don't need much - we have too much - I feel pounds lighter and can't stop smiling.
:)
The community is delightful - likeminded, same-aged women and men - eager to help but sensitive enough to allow privacy - I'm at home already.
It is oddly liberating to rid myself of accumulated stuff - and there's lots of it - some to a daughter making her first home, some to another daughter who will inheirit hosting the special holiday celebrations along with the large dining table and chairs, and some to the less fortunate - who will be warmly and well dressed this winter. We don't need much - we have too much - I feel pounds lighter and can't stop smiling.
:)
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
why?
Why do some people find it hard to be honest. Why does bending the truth come naturally, with a sense of righteous entitlement, to some people? When did morality take a back seat to "whatever feels good"?
I can't look a border guard in the eye without caving about exactly what I've spent in the US. I could no sooner leave a store knowing I hadn't been charged for an item than I could outright steal it.
White lies, omissions, oversights, assumptions - I'm sick of it.
I always end up feeling gullible and stupid.
And I'm not.
I can't look a border guard in the eye without caving about exactly what I've spent in the US. I could no sooner leave a store knowing I hadn't been charged for an item than I could outright steal it.
White lies, omissions, oversights, assumptions - I'm sick of it.
I always end up feeling gullible and stupid.
And I'm not.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Mother's Day
Powerful word - mother - I have 2 - well, actually three if you count my HyphenMother - my ex-step-mother-in-law ( 5 hyphens!).
I have a mother who raised me from the age of 1 year 4 days. A witty, charming, beautiful woman with whom I've never felt a connection. Admiration, envy, warmth but not a connection. I have, or rather, had, a birth mother. She died when she was 49 , leaving behind 5 other children who didn't know about me, her first-born, until a few years ago but who have embraced me as one of their own. I think I would have liked her - she was hard-working, hard-living and down-to-earth. My 1/2 siblings sure loved her. When they first saw me, walking into a food court at exactly the same age she was when she died, looking so much like her, it was almost heart-breaking to watch their faces - crumpled, relieved - little children again who'd found the mother they thought they'd lost.
I am a mother - six times over - loved pregnancy - feeling fecund and ripe and fulfilled - loved labour - loved newborns - loved toddlers - loved it all - loved them all - love them and even like them now that they are grown up. And they never miss an opportunity to tell me they love me.
So, Mother's Day resonates on many levels.
Happy Mother's Day - to birth mothers, adopted mothers, young mothers, tired mothers, SIDS mothers, mothers whose children have died before them, all mothers.
You are the heart and soul of mankind.
I have a mother who raised me from the age of 1 year 4 days. A witty, charming, beautiful woman with whom I've never felt a connection. Admiration, envy, warmth but not a connection. I have, or rather, had, a birth mother. She died when she was 49 , leaving behind 5 other children who didn't know about me, her first-born, until a few years ago but who have embraced me as one of their own. I think I would have liked her - she was hard-working, hard-living and down-to-earth. My 1/2 siblings sure loved her. When they first saw me, walking into a food court at exactly the same age she was when she died, looking so much like her, it was almost heart-breaking to watch their faces - crumpled, relieved - little children again who'd found the mother they thought they'd lost.
I am a mother - six times over - loved pregnancy - feeling fecund and ripe and fulfilled - loved labour - loved newborns - loved toddlers - loved it all - loved them all - love them and even like them now that they are grown up. And they never miss an opportunity to tell me they love me.
So, Mother's Day resonates on many levels.
Happy Mother's Day - to birth mothers, adopted mothers, young mothers, tired mothers, SIDS mothers, mothers whose children have died before them, all mothers.
You are the heart and soul of mankind.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Count-down
In exactly 38 days, my 4th child, my 3rd daughter - is having her wedding reception. I am tickled for her and can't wait to go - except for one thing - it means spending a good deal of time if not with, then in the same room as her father, my "ex" as they say - the man I spent 22 years married to and 8 years (so far) without. The man who, because of an indiscretion on my part, can barely speak to me - the man who left me with a huge house to sell, 6 kids to think about and a whole world of finance I knew nothing about - I'm not stupid. We just divided up the labour, literally - he did the finances and I took care of 6 children - we each did what we were good at and it worked. This past 8 years has been an eye-opener in so many ways.
But - my eyes are also open to the fact that I am 8 years old and look it - my physical status was one of the reasons he grew away from me. He couldn't understand why I wasn't lithe and 110 lb anymore. I argued that pumping six 8 -9 lb babies out in 10 years might have done something towards this but he didn't buy it. And neither did I. I had "let myself go" and the ensuing 8 years haven't given me whole lot of time or money to do much about it.
Now I'm faced with facing him.
I am at the gym 3 times a week and the electric beach the other 3 - in a mad attempt to "beautify the temple" so I can wow him. Why do I care? Do I think he'll see how hot I am and want me back? I hope not, because I don't want HIM back. So why?
Pride?
Come-uppance?
Closure?
I dunno.
I just have to do it.
Wish me luck.
But - my eyes are also open to the fact that I am 8 years old and look it - my physical status was one of the reasons he grew away from me. He couldn't understand why I wasn't lithe and 110 lb anymore. I argued that pumping six 8 -9 lb babies out in 10 years might have done something towards this but he didn't buy it. And neither did I. I had "let myself go" and the ensuing 8 years haven't given me whole lot of time or money to do much about it.
Now I'm faced with facing him.
I am at the gym 3 times a week and the electric beach the other 3 - in a mad attempt to "beautify the temple" so I can wow him. Why do I care? Do I think he'll see how hot I am and want me back? I hope not, because I don't want HIM back. So why?
Pride?
Come-uppance?
Closure?
I dunno.
I just have to do it.
Wish me luck.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Deconstruction
I am about to deconstruct. Not self-destruct. Not instruct. Deconstruct.
Almost 30 years ago, I became someone's wife. Almost 28 years ago, I become someone's mother ... and then someone else's ..... and someone else's .... etc... until I was "the mother of six children" and still someone's wife.
Then I became, slowly and painfully, someone's ex-wife.
But I was and will always be " the mother of six children".
When I move, my terms of reference will vanish. No one knew my husband, or even that I was married. No one will know that I have six children - they are the best part of me. No one will know my history of leadership at my church, of volunterism in my community or my work history and skills.
No one will know my family - no one here did either - but it's yet another step removed from the 21 year old "me".
This past 10 years has been a journey towards finding "me" again - and I'm getting pretty close. I surprise myself - usually in retrospect - as in " how the heck did I ever do that?" or " what was I thinking, taking that on?". And I hope I continue to surprise myself.
But I won't surprise my new friends and neighbours - they don't know what to expect of me - if anything.
It's a heady feeling, being the master of my own fate and responsible for myself alone, at least on a day-to-day basis.
I will, of course, always be "the mother of six children".
I am growing comfortable with the idea of never being someone's wife.
Hmmmm...
Almost 30 years ago, I became someone's wife. Almost 28 years ago, I become someone's mother ... and then someone else's ..... and someone else's .... etc... until I was "the mother of six children" and still someone's wife.
Then I became, slowly and painfully, someone's ex-wife.
But I was and will always be " the mother of six children".
When I move, my terms of reference will vanish. No one knew my husband, or even that I was married. No one will know that I have six children - they are the best part of me. No one will know my history of leadership at my church, of volunterism in my community or my work history and skills.
No one will know my family - no one here did either - but it's yet another step removed from the 21 year old "me".
This past 10 years has been a journey towards finding "me" again - and I'm getting pretty close. I surprise myself - usually in retrospect - as in " how the heck did I ever do that?" or " what was I thinking, taking that on?". And I hope I continue to surprise myself.
But I won't surprise my new friends and neighbours - they don't know what to expect of me - if anything.
It's a heady feeling, being the master of my own fate and responsible for myself alone, at least on a day-to-day basis.
I will, of course, always be "the mother of six children".
I am growing comfortable with the idea of never being someone's wife.
Hmmmm...
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
on the move
So, ha - if this cowtown can't see me, then I will remove my invisible self to another town - to a ready-made community of mavericks who have already made me welcome by email - my first "live-alone" experience since I was 21 - gawd that's a long time. To quote Susan Sarandon in " The Banger Sisters" - " somewhere between the dry cleaning and the veterinarian, I lost ME".
Well, now I"m actively looking for the ME I lost - the ME who danced like a mad thing well into the wee hours ( I don't want to BE her, I just want to find her), the ME who giggled regularly - who had curly hair - who used to do crafty things that were actually pretty good - who read voraciously ( now it just puts me to sleep) - the piano player, the tap dancer, the bike rider - if you see ME, let me know.
I'm even going to relabel myself - with an old name. O'Brian - fitting for a St. Patrick's day blog
Well, now I"m actively looking for the ME I lost - the ME who danced like a mad thing well into the wee hours ( I don't want to BE her, I just want to find her), the ME who giggled regularly - who had curly hair - who used to do crafty things that were actually pretty good - who read voraciously ( now it just puts me to sleep) - the piano player, the tap dancer, the bike rider - if you see ME, let me know.
I'm even going to relabel myself - with an old name. O'Brian - fitting for a St. Patrick's day blog
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