Why do some people find it hard to be honest. Why does bending the truth come naturally, with a sense of righteous entitlement, to some people? When did morality take a back seat to "whatever feels good"?
I can't look a border guard in the eye without caving about exactly what I've spent in the US. I could no sooner leave a store knowing I hadn't been charged for an item than I could outright steal it.
White lies, omissions, oversights, assumptions - I'm sick of it.
I always end up feeling gullible and stupid.
And I'm not.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Mother's Day
Powerful word - mother - I have 2 - well, actually three if you count my HyphenMother - my ex-step-mother-in-law ( 5 hyphens!).
I have a mother who raised me from the age of 1 year 4 days. A witty, charming, beautiful woman with whom I've never felt a connection. Admiration, envy, warmth but not a connection. I have, or rather, had, a birth mother. She died when she was 49 , leaving behind 5 other children who didn't know about me, her first-born, until a few years ago but who have embraced me as one of their own. I think I would have liked her - she was hard-working, hard-living and down-to-earth. My 1/2 siblings sure loved her. When they first saw me, walking into a food court at exactly the same age she was when she died, looking so much like her, it was almost heart-breaking to watch their faces - crumpled, relieved - little children again who'd found the mother they thought they'd lost.
I am a mother - six times over - loved pregnancy - feeling fecund and ripe and fulfilled - loved labour - loved newborns - loved toddlers - loved it all - loved them all - love them and even like them now that they are grown up. And they never miss an opportunity to tell me they love me.
So, Mother's Day resonates on many levels.
Happy Mother's Day - to birth mothers, adopted mothers, young mothers, tired mothers, SIDS mothers, mothers whose children have died before them, all mothers.
You are the heart and soul of mankind.
I have a mother who raised me from the age of 1 year 4 days. A witty, charming, beautiful woman with whom I've never felt a connection. Admiration, envy, warmth but not a connection. I have, or rather, had, a birth mother. She died when she was 49 , leaving behind 5 other children who didn't know about me, her first-born, until a few years ago but who have embraced me as one of their own. I think I would have liked her - she was hard-working, hard-living and down-to-earth. My 1/2 siblings sure loved her. When they first saw me, walking into a food court at exactly the same age she was when she died, looking so much like her, it was almost heart-breaking to watch their faces - crumpled, relieved - little children again who'd found the mother they thought they'd lost.
I am a mother - six times over - loved pregnancy - feeling fecund and ripe and fulfilled - loved labour - loved newborns - loved toddlers - loved it all - loved them all - love them and even like them now that they are grown up. And they never miss an opportunity to tell me they love me.
So, Mother's Day resonates on many levels.
Happy Mother's Day - to birth mothers, adopted mothers, young mothers, tired mothers, SIDS mothers, mothers whose children have died before them, all mothers.
You are the heart and soul of mankind.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Count-down
In exactly 38 days, my 4th child, my 3rd daughter - is having her wedding reception. I am tickled for her and can't wait to go - except for one thing - it means spending a good deal of time if not with, then in the same room as her father, my "ex" as they say - the man I spent 22 years married to and 8 years (so far) without. The man who, because of an indiscretion on my part, can barely speak to me - the man who left me with a huge house to sell, 6 kids to think about and a whole world of finance I knew nothing about - I'm not stupid. We just divided up the labour, literally - he did the finances and I took care of 6 children - we each did what we were good at and it worked. This past 8 years has been an eye-opener in so many ways.
But - my eyes are also open to the fact that I am 8 years old and look it - my physical status was one of the reasons he grew away from me. He couldn't understand why I wasn't lithe and 110 lb anymore. I argued that pumping six 8 -9 lb babies out in 10 years might have done something towards this but he didn't buy it. And neither did I. I had "let myself go" and the ensuing 8 years haven't given me whole lot of time or money to do much about it.
Now I'm faced with facing him.
I am at the gym 3 times a week and the electric beach the other 3 - in a mad attempt to "beautify the temple" so I can wow him. Why do I care? Do I think he'll see how hot I am and want me back? I hope not, because I don't want HIM back. So why?
Pride?
Come-uppance?
Closure?
I dunno.
I just have to do it.
Wish me luck.
But - my eyes are also open to the fact that I am 8 years old and look it - my physical status was one of the reasons he grew away from me. He couldn't understand why I wasn't lithe and 110 lb anymore. I argued that pumping six 8 -9 lb babies out in 10 years might have done something towards this but he didn't buy it. And neither did I. I had "let myself go" and the ensuing 8 years haven't given me whole lot of time or money to do much about it.
Now I'm faced with facing him.
I am at the gym 3 times a week and the electric beach the other 3 - in a mad attempt to "beautify the temple" so I can wow him. Why do I care? Do I think he'll see how hot I am and want me back? I hope not, because I don't want HIM back. So why?
Pride?
Come-uppance?
Closure?
I dunno.
I just have to do it.
Wish me luck.
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